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Lj you will always hold a special place in my heart. Maybe I will come back to you one day but my own username just bums me out. Also maybe two people read this on the regular. Ugh. I am on the tumblrs: amymarz
derp
hey livejournal. I would never abandon you.
So Seattle and Portland were great. in the process of typing up shit for posterity

but here is some crazy bitching for you all
So Lindsay. Lindsay Anne Bower. Nick told me he still texts her occasionally. I cannot wrap my head around how he thinks being friends with the girl he cheated on me with is even remotely okay. But I can't stop him I guess. So I act like a weirdo and ask him every now and then if he's talked to Lindsay lately. This pisses him off because he thinks I am obsessing over her. well yeah.
She told him last night that he should come over for dinner some time. Oh. Really. A few weeks ago she asked why he had defriended her on facebook. Well gosh. the world may never know.
I may be crazy for obsessing over this dumb slash but hell if Nick isn't crazy for continuing to talk to her knowing that it upsets me. Lindsay is out of her fucking mind if she thinks Nick will just saunter on down to have dinner with her AT HER HOUSE. YES THAT ALL WORKED OUT SO WELL FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP BEFORE. I have these fantasies of just beating the shit out of her. I've never been in a proper fight so these really are just fantasies. I would probably just slap her HARD and call her a cunt if I ever saw her
Nick is looking at the option of grad school and I am realizing how worthless my life is. I don't have any friends, I don't have a good job, I don't have anything going for me. I am 24 with not one minute of college under my belt and little to no desire to change that.
I hate the way I look. I have in fact never been able to look at myself in the mirror and say "yes. I like the way my body looks. I am very happy with all this" I would like to do that at least once before I turn 25
I miss Spike
I wish I could find a better job
I hate the way Nick's relationship...whatever it is..... with Lindsay makes me feel. I wish she would move back to Scotland and leave us alone
I'm tired of feeling paranoid and jealous and insane
I wish I had friends and reasons to leave the house other than work and grocery shopping
So this ho has the gaul to get mad at Nick for coming clean about everything. what.
HERE ARE SOME EMAILS FOR POSTERITY

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Not sure how I managed to not call her a sociopath cunt.
Nick and I have worked things out. He's cut off any communication with her. At least he can recognize his actions were wrong and he feels awful. She has somehow put me in the wrong. I may call myself crazy but I legit think she has a personality disorder. Borderline, Histrionic and Narcissistic? Narcissistic personality disorder sounds like her exactly

so here's what's been going on in lately

  See previous bs here
here is some recent fb convo before she figured out she could block me.

Me:are you the kind of person that would go after a guy who is currently in a relationship?
is there anything about you and nick that nick wouldn't tell me?

Me:(drunk) Nick said it would be a great idea if I messaged you
Me: (sober) For the record.... instead of reporting back to Nick every time I send you a message on facebook you could...oh I don't know.... respond? block me? Pretty much any other action

Lindsay Anne Bower: You could also stop bothering me. I don't want anything to do with either one of you.

Me: You definitely fooled me. Nick too I think

Lindsay Anne Bower: Awesome. I don't even know what that means

Me: I was referring to your not wanting anything to do with either one of us. Had I thought you wanted nothing to do with Nick I wouldn't be sending you messages on Facebook. I would think nick doesn't know that you want nothing to do with him based on the texting etc

Then she bawwed to Nick and blocked me and I felt like an asshole so I had nick text her an apology. then this happened.
Email I sent to Nick's ex, Lindsay

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Is there anything more frustrating than WANTING to exercise but your body's all "Meeeeeh. fuck that"
Can't do planks  or pushups because of my fucked rhomboid in my right shoulder and I can't do reverse sit ups and dead lifts because my lower back is fucked. blagh. why you hate me, body?
I downloaded some new Jillian Michaels dvds to motivate "Killer Buns and Thighs" and "Six Week Six PAck"  Ugh.Buns. I hate that term. I guess Killer Ass and Thighs is probably a porno title though.
Back to calorie counting obsessively. IT IS ALL THAT CONTROLS MY EATING

ANYWAYS

Jun. 24th, 2012

SO WHATS BEEN GOING ON WITH ME. Idk just forgetting to update all the time.
Nick and I went to Asheville at the beginning of this month for Julie’s wedding. We drove up on Friday, wedding Saturday and we walked around and used a groupon for horseback riding at Pisgah View ranch. The wedding was great. LET ME USE PICTURES TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

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o Oh! Nick and I went on the trail ride I gave him for christmas the day before he went to florida. It was super fun.
o Nick got back from Florida on Sunday. He was miserable the entire time :C Wish I had gone with him. Julie's wedding is on June 2. Hopefully Nick will get some more time off from work. I think he would have fun in asheville with me. Also I would miss him like crazy if I had to go alone. Ooh and trail ride in the mountains in NC? that would be awesome.
o While Nick was in florida I went out every night with a flashlight and drowned slugs in a bucket of salt water. so many slugs. The humanity. oh the lack of humanity!
o We went to the beach house show on sunday a few hours after Nick got back. AWESOME show. Although alot more douchebags apparently like beach house than I realized.
After the show Nick and I went up to try to get set lists while everthing got broken down. Nick got one! Then some little teenage wang climbed onto the stage, grabbed the guitarist's shoes(left on stage) and started to run off. I followed him and his friends and shamed him "Seriously? You're stealing shoes? Youre stealing some one elses shoe. I hope you feel like a good person. Are you happy with yourself?" etc Then later he went and gave them back to a roadie. yay. I helped!

the other night I had a dream where I was in a grocery store looking for malt liquor to trap and kill slugs with. I think I have a problem
- Nick is in the Florida Keys right now for his brother's wedding. He drove for ten hours yesterday with his parents and then I guess two or so today. I didn't want to go because a)cats and b) I thought we would be sharing a room with his parents AND sister. Turns out his parents would have paid for a seperate room for Nick and I if I had gone. Instead Nick is stuck in a room with his dad who apparently snores like a leaf blower :/ I miss Nick

- I have been doing stupid amounts of yard work lately. I put down mulch in the beds front and back with a layer of newspaper underneath the mulch as kind of a biodegradable landscape cloth.
My blueberry bushes have given me a grand total of 4 ripe and edible berries. I would like to transfer them to bigger pots but dad says the would shock the plant too much and I should wait until theyre done giving off fruit :/ There's a shit ton of unripe berries on them!
Got a ton of basil and planted it various places. pesto motherfuckers.
Planted two lavender plants in the front bed. Also two in a pot on the back deck along with lemon grass and cat nip.
Also on the deck: parsley(that is doing insanely well), moar basil, sage, mint, citrus mint, rosemary and my mini peach
I can only see one potential peach on the tree. There was some unpleasantness with worms last month >:C
The fig trees that Julie planted are doing really well. They're covered in little bb figs!
I have seen more slugs since we moved into this house than I have maybe in my entire life. I dont know if that sentence makes sense. IDK IDK. Bitches be eating my dahlias. LETS SEE HOW THEY LIKE SLIMING OVER CRUSHED EGG SHELLS.

Lj. You have got to buy some gardenias. There are about 9 separate bushes on the side of the house COVERED in flowers and ffffffff they smell amazing

I forgot about anything of substance that I wanted to write about. gardening, bitches

hello

Wow I am terrible at remembering to update this thing. luckily nothing is going on! weee!
well except for Nick's ex wanted to hang out and be bff's with him. HAHAH
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o We had some cable problems this past week. We weren't getting some channels and others were coming in all pixelated. MISSED WALKING DEAD ON SUNDAY. HAD TO TORRENT THAT SHIT.
The comcast guy got here an hour late (woohoo $20 credit) and fixed everything. SCEG was doing something up the telephone pole outside our house last week. Apparently that something was leaving one the covers off a grey metal box(rain and exposed wires are fine i guess) and cutting our cable. HURR. thanks SCEG. great job
And fuck 30 Rock got pre-empted by an infomercial for The Southeastern Spinal Institute. wtf. no one gets between me and my stories! Dad has always hated them AND NOW I HAVE A REASON. also that's just shady considering 30 rock is a huge show on nbc and advertisers who paid to air their commercials during it got boned.
Derp
o I've been looking for jobs and I found a few that looked promising. I applied as a pet sitter at one place. Oh damn it looks awesome. Like.... choose what I will and won't do with pets, choose my clients and when I work. Ugh. want
The other was a kennel manager at pet helpers (local no kill shelter). They specified experience necessary though so idk.
Haven't heard back from them either yet.
I do have 9-10hrs/week at the gym now....so that's....better...

o Worked some previously mentioned stuff out with Nick. He knows that I don't like him and Lindsay talking. He's trying not to hold grudges etc and he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore if I didn't want him to. BUT I so do not want to be that girlfriend. e.g The kind that "lets" her boyfriend go out with the guys etc. Nick is a grown ass man. I'm not going to tell him to do anything
I don't know

o Nick and I have been half assedly (hoping to use my whole ass soon) trying to work off our winter weight.
Unfortunately most of the food I cook contains one or more of the follow :bread, pasta, cheese.
veggie dishes, anyone? I hate tomatoes

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